Disclaimer: This is a hard post to write – its a hard post to read – it is the rawness of life – it is the transparency of me
Sometimes forgiving the ignorant is the HARDEST thing to do when we are living in a world of pain. There are SO many dumb things people say when we are hurting. When I kept losing baby after baby through miscarriage – people would say “Oh you are young, you will have more kids”…. after the 7th miscarriage you pretty well want to punch people in the face who say this. Or people will say “oh you will get to hold that baby in heaven”…. you know, I know those people were trying to bring comfort, but my heart screams I WANT TO HOLD MY BABY NOW! “You have such a beautiful family, and wonderful kids, just rest in what God has given you”…. Are you SERIOUS?? Of course I was thrilled with my family, but I wanted more children!
People are truly saying these things out of a caring heart – they are TRYING to love away the pain. When I ran a online group for those who had miscarriage/stillborn/infant loss – this was one of the things we talked about the most – how to forgive those who have great intentions but rip your heart out. If you are reading this and you are one of those people who remembering saying things like this to me, please know I am not angry with you…. when you are in a place of such grief and darkness, your heart is SO sensitive! Any amount of touch can hurt. I remember in ’09. Baby #6. Through the whole pregnancy I was believing for a healthy full-term baby. I refused to speak out fear – I was living my life KNOWING God healed, and He WOULD heal me! I walked believing I would hold my baby in the end, I would hear that first cry. But when I went in for an ultra sound at 13wks (I was having ultra sounds done weekly) baby didn’t have a heartbeat AGAIN! But I refused to believe it – I was gonna stand on God knowing He could raise that baby from the dead…. doctors have been wrong before! I called out to everyone I knew to pray – to stand in faith with me – I believed – it was WAY more than a mustard seed of faith – yet – a week later – baby left us for good. My heart was SOOOOOOOO wounded – Why God?? I don’t understand! I felt so much pain during that time I could hardly breath – its like I lived in a dark bubble – everyone seemed so distant – my kids would talk to me and I would have no idea what they were saying, it was like they were speaking some foreign language. Sam would try to comfort me and yet I had to push him away – my heart hurt so deeply that any type of physical touch actually brought me physical pain. This just deepened summer of ’10 when I found out I was pregnant again – I was HORRIFIED! Sam and I did what we could to NOT get pregnant – and yet here I was again – pregnant – Are you kidding me right now God? But part of me was like “well, if God got us pregnant when we took some serious steps to not get pregnant, then THIS baby should live”….. 10wks I miscarried again… and I went numb. I just couldn’t even begin to fathom a loving God – My daddy – my lifeline doing this to me – WHAT IS THE STINKIN purpose God??!!!!! I was SO angry, and so shut down! Why? Why? Why? How is THIS bringing YOU glory? Are you just some mean guy up there burning us humans with a magnifying glass? He must enjoy watching the torture?? My Bible says He loves me – right?! Pastor Rick was on a “Oh How He Loves Us” kick — man I couldn’t stand that song AT ALL!!!! Why? Because for the very 1st time in my life I was questioning God’s love for me – I was questioning God all together!!! It was a tug-of-war in my heart between how my heart felt and the things I had been taught about God…
It wasn’t easy, but I refused to give up – no – I never got the Why God question answered – maybe I never will – I still don’t fully understand WHY I had to lose 7 babies (10 all together – 2 before Sami, 1 between Sami and Chayla, 7 after Chayla). But I know that as I wrestled with God, it brought me so close to him. Though I thought he was my lifeline before, I realized I didn’t even knew what those words meant – well I understand now! Jesus walked with me through every step even when I couldn’t see him, I couldn’t feel him.. looking back a year and a half later – standing outside of the dark tunnel I was in – I know He NEVER left me – He NEVER forsake me – He was with me to the end! And my love for Him is greater than it ever has been before. Gosh, so many tears…. so many unknowns….. so many questions…. I have quite a few friends who are going through so many hard things right now – from chronic illness, to loss of a child, broken marriages, my prayer list goes on and on – the cloud is so heavy – the fog is so thick – the rain is pouring down – and the tornado is SO close. I am praying for you! Please don’t give up! Even when you feel like you can’t hold on another day – know that The Holy Spirit has His hand on you! He will NEVER let you go! NEVER!
Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.