So, I have been thinking a lot about faith lately – Faith is confidence in what we hope for and the assurance about what we do not see (Heb 11:1). That’s what the Word of God says faith is. I gotta just be open and honest (I know, how else would I be)…. this verse has thrown me for loops, along with so many others in scripture. With so many of my pregnancies I have stood on what I would call faith – I believed with all my heart Jesus could heal – I believed with all my heart He could breathe life into each of those sweet babies to have live here on earth….. yet each of the 7 pregnancies since March 9th 2006 have ended the same – death – “O ye of little faith” “Your faith has made you well” — God I don’t understand! I have had faith! Even to the point of standing on the above verse refusing to believe anything with my human eye – no heartbeat? I refused to believe it – “THIS baby will live” – only to once again say goodbye.
Over the last two years of being pregnancy free I have wrestled with God’s love for me – God I know that Your Word says that You love me – but everything I see screams that you hate me – why have you stolen everything from me – why won’t you bless me – why are you punishing me – God I am trying so hard to do all you have called me to do and yet you take ANOTHER baby from my womb, why? Desperate prayers – seriously trying to believe MY God as my healer – yet He didn’t heal me – trying to believe MY God as my Savior – yet over and over as prayers went up it felt as though He pushed me away…. I don’t understand God – I never doubted who You were – I always knew You as my protector and my Father and my Savior and my healer – I don’t understand this place – WHO ARE YOU???
Have you ever been there? Gone through trials where you just felt as though God has vanished. Well as you can tell I have. I felt at war with God – not really with God but with myself.
I now look at that verse in Hebrews and I seriously wonder – is faith, believing without a doubt and trusting completely that God is who He says He is no matter what it looks like with human eyes. Will you trust I am your Healer, even if I don’t heal in the way YOU feel I should? Will you believe that I am your Savior, even when YOU think I have turned away? Will you know that I love you, even when YOU feel alone and unloved?
See – this is where I am with God now, or at least growing in this. So let the secret be out – for those who don’t know yet – I am pregnant once again (due in December)… am I scared, heck yeah I am! But I am unshakable in God – I know He is my healer! Will this baby live? Man, I sure hope so! But what I do know is that God will heal me regardless, because He has healed my heart, mind and soul each and every time! I know God is my Savior. Does that mean this time will be different – maybe not – maybe I will walk yet another road of miscarriage – but THIS time I know He will save me from the pain, grief and hurt. God’s love may not come all bottled up in a perfect moment – when I will hold that child in my arms and look in his/her eyes or see them smile for the first time, hear that first cry…. but I know God will wrap His arms around me, He never leaves me nor forsakes me. NEVER! God is my all-in-all – no matter what my eyes may see. This is the assurance of things not seen. I don’t need to feel him swoop me up in a dance to know that He walks every single step with me. I don’t doubt it. He is here! Always!
Years ago my favorite saying was “Unshakable faith is faith that’s been shaken”…. well now, I am living proof. It’s not about having faith that this baby will live, its knowing without a shadow of doubt God is who He says He is, no matter what my eyes see. My heart will trust and I will have faith in the I AM!