God has challenged me to go on a 90 Day Faith Walk. It is to become healthier in every area of my life – Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually and Relationally. And I feel that I am suppose to share this journey of mine publicly. It is extremely scary for me, to be so open and honest about the things I will go through, however, if it can help someone out, then Praise the Lord. As my pastor says – “My job is to be obedient. God’s job is the results.” === so here I go. **please keep in mind I am writing these to go in my group True Beauty**
If you haven’t read Day 1 – please go back to read it….
Day 2 – January 5th – Take off what hinders – Feeling Unloved
Soaking Worship for this week:
Open Up Our Eyes – Gateway Worship
Lead Me to the Cross – Hillsong United
Here’s My Heart – David Crowder
Every Breath – Gateway Worship
Great Are You Lord – All Sons and Daughters
I have looked at this blank page for far too long. What am I supposed to write, Lord? I think back over my 36 years of life and so much of it is filled with feeling unloved. Feeling unloved by my father, who would be anywhere other than home. Feeling unloved by my mother, who would rather hug the bottle than me. Feeling unloved by my brother, who just always wanted to prove he was better than me in every way. Feeling unloved by my grandparents, who seemed to always focus on my every flaw. Feeling unloved by boyfriend after boyfriend, who eventually chased after the prettier girl. The only thing that remained was believing what they told me at church, “Jesus Loves You Just the Way You Are.”
I remember walking down the altar, my earthly father absent, but I felt so strongly God my heavenly Father walking each step of the way with me. He made my wedding weekend my perfect moment in life. The sky could not be prettier; each cloud perfectly formed, a beautiful 73 degrees, the breeze in the trees, were all His perfect doing to create my dream wedding. For the first time in my life, I didn’t just believe I was loved, I felt loved by God.
That moment left as a distant memory, when baby after baby went to heaven before me. Each one ripped from my body before I could hear its first cry. I tried to be strong. I tried to be tough. I tried to hold on. I stayed in church. I served as a leader. But inside, I was dying a little more each day. No, cancer hadn’t reached my body yet, but it sure was taking over my heart. Scriptures like “Your faith has made you well” and “Ye of little faith” always seemed to circle around in my mind, haunting me in my dreams. What was wrong with me? Why would He keep taking my babies? Was I such a terrible mother that He wouldn’t entrust me with another? Each loss, each ultra sound that showed no heartbeat, each passing I just felt more and more unloved by God. August 2010, when baby number 7 (after Chayla, 10 all together) left me far too soon, I literally screamed “YOU HATE ME DON’T YOU!” – The tug-of-war that went on in my Spirit was fierce! I struggled every single day, pouring over and over the pages of my journal – “I know you say you love me, but all I feel like you are is some big mean man sitting up there pulling wings off this fly, suffocating that butterfly, burning another ant with a magnifying glass.”
I will finish the rest of the story next week…
Our FOCUS VERSE for this week is:
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12:1-3 NIV
Have you ever felt unloved by someone in your family? Write about that experience in your journal. Even if it is numerous people, write about each one. But here is the challenge… I don’t want you to BLAME others for who you have become. As I write about a teacher I had in 1st grade, who was very mean to me, I am not going to blame her that I was stupid, or that I never thought I would ever be able to learn, or that she caused my learning disability… even if she had a hand in those things, my place is not to blame… but I can write down how I felt as a child when she would rip up my paper in front of the class, so that I couldn’t go out for recess. See the difference?
I also want you to write if you have had times of feeling unloved by God, even if you feel that way right now. Tell Him. He is a very big God. It was when I finally screamed at Him (in my journal) “I know you say you love me, but all I feel like you are is some big mean man sitting up there pulling wings off this fly, suffocating that butterfly, burning another ant with a magnifying glass.” It didn’t offend Him, it didn’t make Him angry with me, but what it did do was give us a place of conversation. I couldn’t hear Him until I was honest with Him. So be honest. Open up and let it all out.
Weigh yourself – write it down in your journal.
Drink at least 8oz of water
10 Second Plank
Walk a quarter of a mile
COMMITMENT: DO NOT WEIGH YOURSELF AGAIN UNTIL I TELL YOU.
Do your journaling from the devotional
Clean the top cupboards in the kitchen
o Declutter – donate or throw out items you never use.
We will have donation days where you can take all your donated items to the place of your choice.
Deeper Time with Jesus:
I want you to read Job 38 & 39
Sometimes I read this for a refocus check.