Day 90: Friday, April 3rd
On March 23, 2014 I wrote this on my wall on Facebook:
“Most don’t know about my long battle with eating disorders. Even my close friends during those ages didn’t know. I wore baggy clothes because I thought I had to cover up the fat from my 5’6 110lb frame.
The first thing we saw at Fine Art’s this year was a team of teenagers doing a human video to a powerful song called Mirror Mirror by Barlow Girl. This song is very powerful to me as it speaks to my life story. Tears streamed down as I watched the human video (kind of like Charades put to music) as I thought back to my battle. However, it wasn’t just the battle of eating disorders from ages 12-19, but it was also the comparison game I lived out as an adult. Looking at other women – how do they have it all together and perfect and here I feel like a continual screw up?
There were times I refused to look in the mirror when I lost my hair and gained weight from being sick. I remember when I hit the 200lb mark and cried so often – I was so ugly. At least that is who the mirror told me that I was. I was just a fat bald old 35 year old woman. It was such a huge struggle.
Honestly, it is still a struggle. God is bringing healing in such a deep way learning to define myself with His Word instead of trying to measure myself up with a “skinny” measuring stick, with a “beauty” measuring stick, with a “gotta be a perfect mom, daughter, sister, wife, friend” stick…
This is a powerful song. I pray it moves you. Sometimes it is scary to be this honest on FB, but I challenge you to look deep and honestly at yourself. What stick are you measuring yourself up to?”
Did you see where I said “with a ‘beauty’ measuring stick,” well it was at that moment of typing that out that day, a little over a year ago that God brought to my heart the desire to find my beauty in God, my True Beauty. The words True Beauty became a passion of mine as I dug through God’s Word and spent time in worship to really learn my True Beauty in God. What does being a True Beauty mean? I believe it is being real. Think about it. Jesus’ death was awful, painful, ugly… and yet it was in that moment of ugly that beauty appeared. Our way to salvation.
I have spent so much of my life either wishing I had someone else’s life or pretending mine was way better than it was. I was ashamed of the ugly truth of who I had been in the past, and if being totally honest, I was still ashamed of who I still was. My tainted heart just seemed to fail all the time. I believe I found my beauty in my most ugly moments, because they were honest, because they honestly demonstrated my need for a Savior. True Beauty is not found in perfection. It is found when I finally admit that I desperately need a Savior. True Beauty is found when I know that I cannot do this life alone. I need my Savior.
Through my year long journey finding my True Beauty, I have found a secure place with my Savior. Yes, I have lost weight, quite a bit of weight actually. Though, that isn’t the victory. The victory that only Christ could have done, is that I don’t need to play the comparison game anymore. I am not perfect, I screw up all the time, but it doesn’t make me a screw up. I fail, but that doesn’t mean that I am a failure. It doesn’t matter what my weight is, I know that I am a beauty in God’s sight.
I know that we as women tend to shy away from getting our picture taken. When one is taken, we crop out as much of the fat as we can. June 2014 Sam and I had a Celebration Party. We renewed our vows, we dedicated Nisa Faith to the Lord, and we celebrated the one year birthday of my new bone marrow. When I started looking through the pictures that were captured, for just a moment my heart sank. As I clicked through pictures, tears formed in my eyes, because of this roll there, that roll there, ugh I was so heavy… but then I heard the Lord speak to my heart, “Open your eyes my child.” I saw picture after picture of my friends smiling, some hugging me, many with their arms around me. And for the first time in a long time I realized, my friends find me beautiful simply because God had healed me and I was still alive to hug. This powerful moment changed my life and the outward view I had of myself forever. I am losing weight because I desire to be as healthy as I possibly can be for my family, not because I need to feel beautiful. I already feel beautiful, because I am beautiful. Yes, I still have plenty of rolls, plenty of wrinkles, plenty of scares… but those things tell a story about my life. I am no longer ashamed to be me. I giggle too much. I say things backwards all the time. I am not book smart. I quickly forget many important things. I slip and say things that aren’t nice. I can get caught up in my own life that I don’t notice others. I am not perfect. I fail often. I am a child of my King. I call the God of the Heavens and the Earth, Abba Father. I desire to know His heart above anything else. I am a work in progress. I’m not where I want to be, but I am so much closer than I use to be. I know God adores me just who I am today.
God doesn’t love you for who you aren’t. I know I am not the only one who has ever felt that way. Like God loves me today but only because of who I will become. When I first gave birth to my three beautiful daughters, I didn’t love them because of the women they would become. I loved them because they were a part of me. I looked at their tiny scrunched up faces and my heart flowed over with joy and love, not because they did anything to perfect themselves, not because they were just naked and screaming their lungs out, but because they were mine. The God who made the universe feels even more love for you. Do you believe that? If you were like me, you may have grown up singing “Jesus love me. This I know. For the Bible tells me so.” I found it easy to believe as a child. Until I started becoming a child who sinned. I heard once that God hates sin. I believed for a long time that if God hated sin, and I ended up sinning every day, that He no longer loved me and hated me too. Oh how I wish I could sit down with that 16 girl and tell her God loves you. You aren’t making the best choices, but that doesn’t stop God’s love. Oh, to show her the truth of God’s Word, while we were still sinners Christ died for us. He died for us because God loved us that much.
It was not purposefully planned that this 90 Day Faith Walk would end on Good Friday. When I felt I was supposed to do a 90 Day Challenge and I was supposed to start on January 4th, I counted out the days and found that we would be ending today on Good Friday I just had to chuckle at God. It is not an accident. What is hindering you from the freedom that Christ has for you? Christ died for our sins, yes. That in and of itself is downright amazing. Jesus did go through horrific things so that we would be saved. But most importantly He defeated death. Our Jesus, He is alive. We do not need to be defeated any longer, we have the ability to live in victory. Jesus’ resurrection came with a price… you can’t be resurrected if you do not die first. We will never be victorious if we do not surrender ourselves to Him. One of the biggest lessons that I will walk away from the 90 Days Faith Walk Challenge is truly believing the importance of sitting at Jesus’ feet. Surrendering my TIME is so vital to my Christian walk. Spending time with my Maker is the only way that I will ever be a tree that is strong and doesn’t fear the heat of life. Spending time with my Savior is the only way I will know what His fruit looks like, so that I can bear it too. Spending time with my God is the only way that I will walk forth in my deepest prayer: I will not even smell of smoke.
The Nebuchadnezzar came as close as he could to the open door of the flaming furnace and yelled: “Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, servants of the Most High God! Come out! Come here!” So they stepped out of the fire.
Then the princes, governors, captains, and counselors crowded around them and saw that the fire hadn’t touched them – not a hair of their heads was singed; their coats were unscorched, and they didn’t even smell of smoke! Daniel 3:26 & 27 (bold mine)
The Refiner’s Fire Story – Author Unknown
Some time ago, a few ladies met in a certain city to read the scriptures and make them the subject of conversation. While reading the third chapter of Malachi they came upon a remarkable expression in the third verse. “And He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.”
One lady’s opinion was that it was intended to convey the view of the sanctifying influence of the grace of Christ. Then she proposed to visit a silversmith and report to them what he said on the subject. She went accordingly and without telling the object of her errand, begged to know the process of refining silver, which he full described to her.
“But Sir,” she said, “do you sit while the work of refining is going on?”
“Oh, yes madam,” replied the silversmith, “I must sit with my eye steadily fixed on the furnace, for if the time necessary for refining be exceeded in the slightest degree, the silver will be injured.”
The lady at once saw the beauty, and comfort too, of the expression,
“He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.”
Christ sees it needful to put His children into a furnace. His eye is steadily intent on the work of purifying, and His wisdom and love are both engaged in the best manner for them. Their trials do not come at random; “the very hairs of your head are all numbered.”
As the lady was leaving the shop, the silversmith called her back, and said he had still further to mention, that he only knows when the process of purifying was complete, by seeing his own image reflected in the silver.
Beautiful example! When Christ shall see His own image in His people, His work of purifying will be accomplished.
Learning To Fly 