In the Darkest Night

I have gone through times when I can’t see an ounce of light, I feel lost and afraid, I want to hold on, but I can’t see a thing and I can’t tell where God is in that moment (which feels like eternity) that I am in. I can’t even make out my own hand that is right in front of my face. This moment for me lasted for many years. “Where in the heck are you, Lord?!?!”

Since my Leukemia fight and recovering from my bone marrow transplant, I have been in a season of rest and reflection. I think when you face life and death like that, it pulls you back and you examine your life. You get a new perspective. It’s like God puts on His glasses over your eyes and you can see things clearly. For anyone who wears glasses knows the major difference between things looking distorted and things looking clearly. Without the glasses, you can’t make out signs and words that you can with your glasses on.

Painful moments become very distorted times in life. A dark dark tunnel. I still remember the moment I started to see a faint light far away so I started walking towards it. I also remember the moment that I stepped out of that tunnel of the cold winter days and stepped into the spring sun… I closed my eyes and turned my face up towards the sun and breathed in the clean fresh air of the promises that come with spring, life will return and soon all the plants will grow and become a land of beauty once again.

Have you ever done that? Stepped outside into a new spring day? The snow is still melting, everything is still brown and lifeless, but you felt the warm sun on you and you know that life is just around the corner. You could stand there for hours just basking in the glorious sun. Even though your eyes are closed, when you open your eyes it’s kind of hard to see for a few minutes… you have to blink the spots away.

Spiritually speaking, after finally being in the sun, I turned around and looked at my tunnel of dark – and it was very very black indeed. I shivered hard and said, “I am never going back there.” You feel free and alive and ready to face the world again. I have looked at those years – 2005 through 2009, they were the darkest moments of my life. I could see nothing but black. 2010 I started to see a glimpse of the sun, and I started walking forward – I still tripped a lot, but I knew I was headed into healing. By the spring of 2011 I was standing out in the sun, feeling God’s love and approval and it was glorious. I didn’t want to move, I just wanted to stand in the sunshine with my face turned upwards. Whenever I looked at those dark years, they looked extremely dark. I couldn’t see an ounce of light in them. I remembered feeling helpless and hopeless and my world constantly caving in. I was so thankful to be free from all that devastation.  I have had moments of clouds and rain and even some big storms since then, but it wasn’t the same as when I walked through those dark years.

Over this year of resting, my vision has cleared a lot. God has put on His glasses over my eyes and the spots from looking towards the sun have gone away. The last couple months I have looked back at the tunnel with a new vision and being able to see it clearly. Now I can see what was once an extremely dark dark tunnel, that it really had many many pinholes of God’s light.

My Chayla (Ch=church) has always struggled with fear. She doesn’t like anything scary. If there is a scary part in a movie (which can be as simple as Pa from Little House on the Prairie falling from a tree and breaking his leg) she would always close her eyes and plug her ears. By the end, she would deem that she hated the movie because of that one scary image, instead of remembering the times she laughed throughout most of the movie.

God has been showing me that I have done much of the same – I didn’t see Him because I was afraid of the dark and I closed my eyes. He has been showing me that even though the tunnel I was walking through was dark, there was light in my tunnel too. He has been showing me that in every second of that dark time He never let go. I have been going through old journals, and so many entries were telling about how God was speaking to me and how God was moving in my life during those difficult years. Somehow once I got into the sun I had forgotten about those small moments. The moments I felt God’s love. The butterfly that floated passed my window. The light dusty snow that looked like glitter. The friend who brought a meal to show her support. The phone call that came at the most perfect moment. Listening to my children sing praises to God all on their own. Hearing my husband laugh. There were so many God moments in those dark years. They would happen, and then I would look back at the dark around me, get scared and close my eyes once again, forgetting what I had just laughed about.

If you are in your darkest moment right now. I want to encourage you to open your eyes and unplug your ears and look up at the many pinholes God is giving to you. Don’t forget the joyous moments. Don’t forget yesterday’s laughter because of today’s sorrows.

Psalm 139 is truly amazing. If you are in the darkest night right now – please get out your bible and read the entire chapter – read it out loud if you are able. Your darkness – the total blackness you feel closing in on you is a lie from the pit of hell. I am praying for you right now – that God will reveal to you the lies that have become truth and the truth that have become lies. I am praying that you will put on His glasses and really see the truth of the situation you are in.

Psalm 139: 11-12

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.