To my dear friend, who is going through a very difficult time,
I remember that day so well. The day before I had gone to see my GYN, thinking I had a uterine infection from giving birth 18 days beforehand. She pushed on my stomach and with a concerned/puzzled look on her face she said, “This isn’t an infection, but I want you to go to the hospital.” Sam and I kind of chuckled saying we had some plans that weekend, and could we go in a couple days. She firmly gave us our first dose of truth, “No, I want you to go as soon as you can. Go home and pack, I’m not sure what is going on. But, be ready to be admitted.” When we got to the hospital it was a whirlwind of all kinds of tests and tubes. But, it also was the beginning of me watching miracle after miracle take place. The first happened with my GYN telling us to get to the hospital. The second happened when a private room, ‘just happened’ to open up for Sam and Nisa to be allowed to stay the night there with me, in a joint room, they both would have had to leave.
The next day, after all the tests, scans, and bloodwork came back. The doctor walked in, took a look at Nisa and had tears in his eyes as he told us that I had Leukemia. Nothing made sense after that. I remember looking down at her and wondering how we were going to get through this. Before the doctor finished talking, a transporter came to take me for a CT scan. Right after my CT, I was wheeled off for a bone marrow biopsy. As the doc drilled into my hip, all I could think about was how we would tell the kids. We had been in this type of situation before. I still remember the heartbreak needing to tell Robert, Samantha and Chayla about each baby who went to heaven before being born. 7 times we had to do that. 7 babies they each got close to. 7 babies they had hoped for. 7 babies we had to tell them they would never be able to meet this side of Heaven. But this time was so much bigger, so much more painful. I couldn’t help but start sobbing right then and there. The nurse came right over and held my hand. The doctor had finished and patched me up and had left the room. I couldn’t stop crying, the nurse just held my hand so tight. When I finally wiped my eyes on my sleeve, I looked up at her, and she was crying too. “No one cries alone honey,” she said. She sat with me for what felt like a very long time, then she opened the door and there was my GYN sitting outside the door. She apologized for being late and not making it for the biopsy. I cried, she cried, and the nurse cried some more. I couldn’t believe it. It was just another miracle. It was another hug from God to tell me that I wasn’t alone.
As I was wheeled up to my room, Sam was on the phone just outside the room, Pastor Nate was pacing in the hallway near Sam. Pastor Tim was pacing inside my room, and Pastor Lisa was hold and talking sweetly to my sweet Nisa. Once I got settled into bed, Lisa gave me a bracelet that says, “Miracles Happen.” It was so incredibly weird to be going through such a storm, and yet in that moment, I felt cherished by God. It was the eye of my storm…
That evening while in prayer, God gave me a vision. It was so clear.
I had my eyes closed tight and I was crying about needing to go through yet another storm. He said to me, “Open your eyes.” As I did I saw a beautiful music box, he opened it, and as it played music, I saw a beautiful ballerina spinning on the top. God said to move closer. As I did, I could see the figure spinning was a little girl dancing with her father. God told me to move closer. As I did, I saw that the little girl had her feet on her dad’s feet as he spun her around. God said to move closer. Again I took a step closer, and I became that girl. I looked up into the face of my Heavenly Father. He held me tight and said “My precious daughter, I adore you. I cherish you. You are my prized possession. This road is going to spin us around and around. Keep your feet on mine; put your arms around me. No matter how fast we spin, I will never let go.”
I am sharing this with you, because no matter what you face God has not left you. God is faithful. His mercies are new every single morning. Today during my time with Jesus, I was in worship and this song came on. (https://youtu.be/fFfw6OSbUwE ) Face after face after face of my friends were brought into mind as I watched the storm rolling around and Jesus taking each ones hand and started spinning with them. He is saying to you, “My precious daughter, I adore you. I cherish you. You are my prized possession. This road is going to spin us around and around. Keep your feet on mine; put your arms around me. No matter how fast we spin, I will never let go.”
It’s yours. Believe it. You are not forsaken. You are loved. Believe it.
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…” Isaiah 43:1-3