To my dear friend, who is going through a very difficult time

To my dear friend, who is going through a very difficult time,
I remember that day so well. The day before I had gone to see my GYN, thinking I had a uterine infection from giving birth 18 days beforehand. She pushed on my stomach and with a concerned/puzzled look on her face she said, “This isn’t an infection, but I want you to go to the hospital.” Sam and I kind of chuckled saying we had some plans that weekend, and could we go in a couple days. She firmly gave us our first dose of truth, “No, I want you to go as soon as you can. Go home and pack, I’m not sure what is going on. But, be ready to be admitted.” When we got to the hospital it was a whirlwind of all kinds of tests and tubes. But, it also was the beginning of me watching miracle after miracle take place. The first happened with my GYN telling us to get to the hospital. The second happened when a private room, ‘just happened’ to open up for Sam and Nisa to be allowed to stay the night there with me, in a joint room, they both would have had to leave.
The next day, after all the tests, scans, and bloodwork came back. The doctor walked in, took a look at Nisa and had tears in his eyes as he told us that I had Leukemia. Nothing made sense after that. I remember looking down at her and wondering how we were going to get through this. Before the doctor finished talking, a transporter came to take me for a CT scan. Right after my CT, I was wheeled off for a bone marrow biopsy. As the doc drilled into my hip, all I could think about was how we would tell the kids. We had been in this type of situation before. I still remember the heartbreak needing to tell Robert, Samantha and Chayla about each baby who went to heaven before being born. 7 times we had to do that. 7 babies they each got close to. 7 babies they had hoped for. 7 babies we had to tell them they would never be able to meet this side of Heaven. But this time was so much bigger, so much more painful. I couldn’t help but start sobbing right then and there. The nurse came right over and held my hand. The doctor had finished and patched me up and had left the room. I couldn’t stop crying, the nurse just held my hand so tight. When I finally wiped my eyes on my sleeve, I looked up at her, and she was crying too. “No one cries alone honey,” she said. She sat with me for what felt like a very long time, then she opened the door and there was my GYN sitting outside the door. She apologized for being late and not making it for the biopsy. I cried, she cried, and the nurse cried some more. I couldn’t believe it. It was just another miracle. It was another hug from God to tell me that I wasn’t alone.
As I was wheeled up to my room, Sam was on the phone just outside the room, Pastor Nate was pacing in the hallway near Sam. Pastor Tim was pacing inside my room, and Pastor Lisa was hold and talking sweetly to my sweet Nisa. Once I got settled into bed, Lisa gave me a bracelet that says, “Miracles Happen.” It was so incredibly weird to be going through such a storm, and yet in that moment, I felt cherished by God. It was the eye of my storm…
That evening while in prayer, God gave me a vision. It was so clear.
I had my eyes closed tight and I was crying about needing to go through yet another storm. He said to me, “Open your eyes.” As I did I saw a beautiful music box, he opened it, and as it played music, I saw a beautiful ballerina spinning on the top. God said to move closer. As I did, I could see the figure spinning was a little girl dancing with her father. God told me to move closer. As I did, I saw that the little girl had her feet on her dad’s feet as he spun her around. God said to move closer. Again I took a step closer, and I became that girl. I looked up into the face of my Heavenly Father. He held me tight and said “My precious daughter, I adore you. I cherish you. You are my prized possession. This road is going to spin us around and around. Keep your feet on mine; put your arms around me. No matter how fast we spin, I will never let go.”
I am sharing this with you, because no matter what you face God has not left you. God is faithful. His mercies are new every single morning. Today during my time with Jesus, I was in worship and this song came on. ( ) Face after face after face of my friends were brought into mind as I watched the storm rolling around and Jesus taking each ones hand and started spinning with them. He is saying to you, “My precious daughter, I adore you. I cherish you. You are my prized possession. This road is going to spin us around and around. Keep your feet on mine; put your arms around me. No matter how fast we spin, I will never let go.”
It’s yours. Believe it. You are not forsaken. You are loved. Believe it.
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…” Isaiah 43:1-3
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Saturate – Week 2 – Nicci Kilcoyne


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Saturate – Week 1 – Allana Guidry



Here are the songs I used

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Saturate a True Beauty Bible Study INTRO

My dear lovely friends of mine, how I love each of you so very much. Saturate starts on Monday, I really want you to join. All you need is a bible and a notebook and the ability to watch the videos that will be posted. No heavy reading or homework load. Just a video posted by Nicci, Shirley, or I on Mondays, and then a discussion question shared Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. If you happen to have a busy week, you have Friday, Saturday and Sunday to catch up. I think this is a very important study to walk through together. I know I am FAR from the only one here who has been or who is or who will ever be in a season when we just feel so tired of feeling weary and dry.

Please let me know if you want to be added to the Saturate DISCUSSION Group. The videos will be posted on the True Beauty in Christ PAGE, True Beauty in Christ WEBSITE, and the PUBLIC True Beauty GROUP… however, if you want to go a step further, and you want to join us for the discussion please let me know and I will add you to the Discussion group. It’s not too late to sign up 🙂


Allana’s Intro

Nicci’s Intro
Shirley’s Intro
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It’s Not About Me

I shared this video with my True Beauty Groups – and because of their responses, I knew that it needs to be shared publicly.  It is 50 mins long, but there are some crazy powerful truths that I share from Lisa Bevere as well as some of the things God has been sharing to my heart ❤ Please feel free to share this video with others ❤ I do want to say, there is a part where I talk about getting kicked out of the church and out of different family member’s lives… I do want to say that I have since reconciled with my beloved family. I did my fair share of pushing away out of shame. No longer – my chains don’t hold me captive any longer. I refuse to be silent. I will allow God to use me.

“The attacks on our life are not about our past, their about our destiny.” – Lisa Bevere


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2015 in review

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,700 times in 2015. If it were a cable car, it would take about 28 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

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In the Darkest Night

I have gone through times when I can’t see an ounce of light, I feel lost and afraid, I want to hold on, but I can’t see a thing and I can’t tell where God is in that moment (which feels like eternity) that I am in. I can’t even make out my own hand that is right in front of my face. This moment for me lasted for many years. “Where in the heck are you, Lord?!?!”

Since my Leukemia fight and recovering from my bone marrow transplant, I have been in a season of rest and reflection. I think when you face life and death like that, it pulls you back and you examine your life. You get a new perspective. It’s like God puts on His glasses over your eyes and you can see things clearly. For anyone who wears glasses knows the major difference between things looking distorted and things looking clearly. Without the glasses, you can’t make out signs and words that you can with your glasses on.

Painful moments become very distorted times in life. A dark dark tunnel. I still remember the moment I started to see a faint light far away so I started walking towards it. I also remember the moment that I stepped out of that tunnel of the cold winter days and stepped into the spring sun… I closed my eyes and turned my face up towards the sun and breathed in the clean fresh air of the promises that come with spring, life will return and soon all the plants will grow and become a land of beauty once again.

Have you ever done that? Stepped outside into a new spring day? The snow is still melting, everything is still brown and lifeless, but you felt the warm sun on you and you know that life is just around the corner. You could stand there for hours just basking in the glorious sun. Even though your eyes are closed, when you open your eyes it’s kind of hard to see for a few minutes… you have to blink the spots away.

Spiritually speaking, after finally being in the sun, I turned around and looked at my tunnel of dark – and it was very very black indeed. I shivered hard and said, “I am never going back there.” You feel free and alive and ready to face the world again. I have looked at those years – 2005 through 2009, they were the darkest moments of my life. I could see nothing but black. 2010 I started to see a glimpse of the sun, and I started walking forward – I still tripped a lot, but I knew I was headed into healing. By the spring of 2011 I was standing out in the sun, feeling God’s love and approval and it was glorious. I didn’t want to move, I just wanted to stand in the sunshine with my face turned upwards. Whenever I looked at those dark years, they looked extremely dark. I couldn’t see an ounce of light in them. I remembered feeling helpless and hopeless and my world constantly caving in. I was so thankful to be free from all that devastation.  I have had moments of clouds and rain and even some big storms since then, but it wasn’t the same as when I walked through those dark years.

Over this year of resting, my vision has cleared a lot. God has put on His glasses over my eyes and the spots from looking towards the sun have gone away. The last couple months I have looked back at the tunnel with a new vision and being able to see it clearly. Now I can see what was once an extremely dark dark tunnel, that it really had many many pinholes of God’s light.

My Chayla (Ch=church) has always struggled with fear. She doesn’t like anything scary. If there is a scary part in a movie (which can be as simple as Pa from Little House on the Prairie falling from a tree and breaking his leg) she would always close her eyes and plug her ears. By the end, she would deem that she hated the movie because of that one scary image, instead of remembering the times she laughed throughout most of the movie.

God has been showing me that I have done much of the same – I didn’t see Him because I was afraid of the dark and I closed my eyes. He has been showing me that even though the tunnel I was walking through was dark, there was light in my tunnel too. He has been showing me that in every second of that dark time He never let go. I have been going through old journals, and so many entries were telling about how God was speaking to me and how God was moving in my life during those difficult years. Somehow once I got into the sun I had forgotten about those small moments. The moments I felt God’s love. The butterfly that floated passed my window. The light dusty snow that looked like glitter. The friend who brought a meal to show her support. The phone call that came at the most perfect moment. Listening to my children sing praises to God all on their own. Hearing my husband laugh. There were so many God moments in those dark years. They would happen, and then I would look back at the dark around me, get scared and close my eyes once again, forgetting what I had just laughed about.

If you are in your darkest moment right now. I want to encourage you to open your eyes and unplug your ears and look up at the many pinholes God is giving to you. Don’t forget the joyous moments. Don’t forget yesterday’s laughter because of today’s sorrows.

Psalm 139 is truly amazing. If you are in the darkest night right now – please get out your bible and read the entire chapter – read it out loud if you are able. Your darkness – the total blackness you feel closing in on you is a lie from the pit of hell. I am praying for you right now – that God will reveal to you the lies that have become truth and the truth that have become lies. I am praying that you will put on His glasses and really see the truth of the situation you are in.

Psalm 139: 11-12

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.


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